


ace bandages and pain

by emmers_sons



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Trans Male Character, Trans Male Michael Mell, Trans Michael Mell, boyf riends - Freeform, guess who wrote mike in the bathroom, im skippin the squip era bc i dont want to write mike in the bathroom sorry, mike and jerm will be romantic just u wait, my boys - Freeform, pre-cannon and post-cannon, to be added - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-03-17 11:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmers_sons/pseuds/emmers_sons
Summary: trans michael fic because i wanted to write it





	1. Chapter 1

Tired. Genevieve was tired. The female pronouns, the long black hair, the roundness of her chest, it was terrible. It wasn’t like anyone _didn’t_ know this. It was obvious by her manner of showing herself. Even if it wasn’t obvious to people when she cut all her hair off and her moms had to rush her to the salon to get it cut better, or if it wasn’t a clear sign of what was wrong when she came to school one day with a suddenly flat chest and a sudden inability to exert herself, it became obvious the first day of seventh grade. Genevieve came to school with her flat chest, and her boy clothes, and her short hair, and took a seat right in her spot in math. During roll-call, she didn’t respond to her name.  
  
“Genevieve? Genevieve Mell?” The teacher called, before she perked up, a sly grin on her face.  
“Oh, sorry. It’s Michael, actually. Michael Mell.” She told the teacher, causing her to pause.  
“Oh? Sorry, I’ll have that fixed. Thank you, Michael.”  
That was where Genevieve changed from the girl she was, to the boy _he_ always knew he was.  
  
~  
  
From then, on forth, he had a new identity. A persona he was at school before reverting back to Genevieve at home. Around his best friend, Jeremy, he was Michael. Even to Jeremy’s parents he was Michael, as Jeremy had slipped up one day and they took to correcting themselves. They ruffled his hair and fed him, before sending him home as Genevieve. Even Jeremy had known when they were younger. He would come home to his parents smiling and saying “Vivi started wearing boy clothes and she looks really pretty!” or “Vivi cut off all her hair and it’s so cool!”. It was like he knew, even before Michael did.  
  
He cried when he realized what he was. Transgender, not just some stupid tomboy obsessed with the idea of becoming a boy. He unwrapped his chest, hiding the bundle of ace bandages under the bed at night and forcing himself to take in slow, shaky breaths as he sobbed with understanding and fear- fear that his parents wouldn’t understand. Fear that people wouldn’t let him be who he was. Plus, he liked other boys, which put even more of a weight on his shoulders. At the beginning of eighth grade year that he managed to do it.  
  
~  
  
“Mom?” He asked as he climbed up the basement stairs one day. He heard a mom, not quite the one he wanted but close enough, call from in the kitchen.  
“She went to the grocery store, Vivi.” She told him, and he winced. He had always hated that stupid nickname.  
“Oh. Sorry.” He murmured, moving into the kitchen and pushing himself up onto the counter. “Hey, mama?”  
“Yeah?” His mama turned, smiling softly at her daughter. He hesitated.  
“I gotta talk to you and mom about something really important.” He began, and his mama nodded him to continue. “About some me-stuff.”  
“Oh.” His mama murmured. She knew that he didn’t like getting personal, so this was a bit of a surprise. “Well, we can talk as soon as your mom gets home.” She told him, kissing his cheek in a motherly manner, smiling. He gave a nod, sliding off the counter.  
“Also, I’m getting low on my meds.” He said after a moment, moving toward the fridge.  
“I’ll call in, okay?”  
“Okay, mama.” He pulled a jug of orange juice out of the fridge, moving to grab a glass and setting it down next. He filled the glass and put the orange juice back, taking a sip and moving to lean against the counter. “Thank you.”  
“Of course. Why not watch T.V. until Ash gets home. I don’t think she’ll be long.” His mama chimed in, smiling to herself. Michael nodded, moving to the couch in the living room and seating himself down. He wasn’t binding, since he hadn’t gone to school, but he wished he was. He took another sip as he moved to the couch, plopping down and turning on whatever show was on.  
  
His chest felt tight when his mom got home, which was odd because he wasn’t binding for once. He didn’t meet her eyes as she walked in, calling a greeting to him before setting the groceries down in the kitchen. He heard hushed whispers between his parents, before both came in and sat in their respective chairs.  
“Hey, Vivi. Your mama said you wanted to talk?” His mom asked, offering a soft smile. He nodded gently, messing with the empty cup in his lap.  
“Uh… yeah. I don’t…” He hesitated, glancing up to see his parents urging him on. “I don’t feel like a girl. Like, it feels wrong.” He mumbled, realizing his hands were shaking. “And I know that’s probably something you two thought when you were my age but it doesn’t feel like I should be a girl at all. It’s like I was born wrong or something.” He mumbled, biting his lip gently.  
“Oh, baby… I’m so sorry…” His mom said, standing and moving to sit by him. “Do you think you’re transgender?” She asked, rubbing his back gently. He instinctively leaned into her, nodding his head gently.  
“Mmhm. ‘M sorry…” He mumbled, his parents giving surprised noises.  
“Hey, hey, you don’t have to be sorry! It’s who you are.” His mama told him, moving to sit on his other side. “So, what do you think you wanna be called?” She asked, smiling softly at him. He paused before smiling.

“Michael. I wanna be Michael.” He said after a moment, leaning more into them. They both smiled.  
“Okay, Michael. Our baby boy.” His mom smiled wider, wrapping both arms around her son and holding him close. Michael felt like he was going to cry.  
  
~  
  
“So, you told them?” Jeremy asked, glancing at Michael with a slight smile.  
“Yeah.”  
“And?” He prompted, nudging his best friend. “How’d it go?”  
“Good. A lot better than I thought it would. They’re callin’ me Mikey instead of Vivi now. I really like it.” He smiled more, leaning back slightly. “Plus, mama said she was gonna call the doctor about testosterone boosters if I want them.”  
“Michael, that’s awesome!” Jeremy pushed himself to his feet, grinning at his best friend. “I told you they’d accept you, I just knew it!” He said, holding a hand out for Michael to help himself up with. Michael did just that, stretching slightly before giving a soft wince. Jeremy hesitated.  
  
“You’re binding again, aren’t you?” He asked, voice soft. Michael just shrugged, turning away and rubbing his chest for a moment. “Micah! You can’t bind like that anymore. I was lookin’ online about it and it’s really bad for you. Why not ask your moms to buy you a binder?”   
“What’s a binder?” Michael asked, hesitating. Jeremy gave him an ‘of course you don’t know’ look before gesturing him over to the computer.  
“It’s like the professional version of ace-bandages. Like, the ‘I’m not gonna kill my lungs and ribs’ version. You can get them, like, everywhere.” He looked up ‘binders ftm’ and pointed at the first result. “This place seems like it’s got the best binders. You should ask.”  
“I dunno, Jer, this is different.” Michael said, looking over his shoulder.  
“Nah, man! It’s like, all part of the process.” Jeremy told him, grinning slightly. “C’mon, if they’re gonna put you on testosterone I’m sure they’ll buy you a binder.”  
  
~  
  
Buy him a binder they did. And a packer. And testosterone boosters. For his birthday they hinted at top surgery, and honestly, Michael couldn’t be happier. He got an official name change on his sixteenth birthday, no longer Genevieve to anyone, now Michael. He also got some more boyish clothes including a red hoodie and other various items. He wore his binder everywhere once it came in, often for too long, but didn't care. He was comfortable in his body, and that was all he could hope for. Of course, bad days came, days where his body told him “Oh, no Michael. You’re not a boy. You’re still a girl,” but he fought through it. When highschool came, though, he began to regret everything.  
  
~  
  
“Jeremy, I can’t do it.” He murmured the moment Jeremy picked up the phone. He had been on testosterone for a few months now, and his voice was just getting lower the more he stayed on it.  
“Mikey…? What are you talking about?” Jeremy responded, clearly still tired.  
“I can’t go to school. What if everyone judges me? Or misgenders me on purpose?” He rambled, hands shaking.  
“Micah, hey, calm down. Have you taken your meds yet?” Jeremy asked, pushing himself out of bed and forcing himself to wake up.  
“N-not yet…” He murmured, trying to swallow the lump of dread in his throat.  
“Can you go take them, then? Eat somethin’ and try to calm down, okay? I’ll be over in like, fifteen.” Jeremy was already moving to his closet. He heard a slight rustel from Michael’s side.  
“Okay…” He murmured, beginning to uncurl in his bed. He set a hand on the mattress, keeping his eyes up and away from his lower half. If he looked down there things would just get worse, he knew, so he generally kept his gaze up.  
“Bye, Michael.” Jeremy said after a moment.  
“Bye.” Michael repeated, pulling his phone from his ear and hanging up.  
  
~  
  
After dressing, brushing his hair and teeth, and washing his face, Michael moved downstairs to take his medicine and get something to eat. His mom sat at the table, reading the paper and sipping tea (she hated the taste of coffee, it was something Michael inherited from her) while his mama cooked a breakfast for her son and wife. They both smiled at Michael as he passed, watching him take his anxiety medication and testosterone (pill form, he couldn’t stand needles) before watching him sit at the table. He smiled back, shifting himself in the hoodie he wore and pushing his sleeves up.  
  
“I don’t get how you can stand wearing long sleeves this time of year, Mike. You must be dying of heat exhaustion.” His mama joked, and Michael smiled.  
“Ha ha, very funny.” He replied, resting his head down on his arms. His mom ran her fingers through his hair gently.  
“Looks like you need a haircut soon. Want me to call you in an appointment with Matt?” She asked, kissing his hair as her wife set breakfast on the table. Michael sat himself up, nodding.  
“Oh, mama? Is there enough for Jeremy? He said he needed a ride and I said I’d drive him since it was the first day.” Michael asked, smiling. His mama nodded, moving to get another plate and set of silverware.   
  
He stood quickly as the doorbell rang, excusing himself and letting his best friend of nine years into the house. They embraced, and Jeremy grinned.  
“Feelin’ any better?” He asked lowly, both of them making their way to the kitchen. Michael nodded and he gave a relieved noise. “Good.”  
“I hope you didn’t eat, ‘cause I had my mom make you a plate.” He said after a moment, and Jeremy gave a noise.  
“Mikey, you know you didn’t have to.”  
“Yeah, that’s why I did.” He murmured, and gestured to Jeremy’s spot next to him. Jeremy did so, nudging his best friend before thanking Michael’s parents.  
  
~  
  
To summarize, Michael was right about how bad the first day would go. The school system still had his birth name and gender, and this forced Michael to have to correct every single teacher. There were, of course, the transphobic kids in his classes that ignored him and still called him Genevieve. They often complained to their teachers, saying things like “Mrs. Doherty! You know Genevieve doesn’t talk to people when you group people with her!” or “Mr. Schmidt! Genevieve says she’s a boy! I don’t want her to stare at us while we’re changing!” and every time Michael felt himself get more and more anxious. His problem was, though, that everyday things just got worse.  
  
~  
  
“Jer, I’m not goin’ to school Monday.” Michael said softly, glancing at the other.  
“Why not?” Jeremy asked, sitting up from where they had been laying down and watching a movie.  
“‘Cause I’m scared.” He said plainly, shifting the heating pad on his stomach. His cramps were bad this period, even worse than normal.  
“Of what, Micah?”

“Judgement.” He said, voice tired. Jeremy pushed himself up slowly, standing up and sighing.  
“I’m gonna get some snacks. Do you want anythin’?” Jeremy said softly, heading toward the stairs. They were in Michael’s basement, Jeremy spending the weekend at his friend’s house.  
“Don’ care.” Michael murmured, curling up slightly. He was dressed comfortable, just wearing his hoodie and sweatpants. Jeremy sighed, beginning up the stairs before Michael shifted and sat up. “Wait. Jeremy?”  
“Yeah, Mikey?” Jeremy turned, looking at Michael. Michael hesitated, biting his lip gently. He looked away before shaking his head.  
“Can you get popcorn? And or Oreos?” Michael asked, abandoning what he was going to say. Jeremy held back a disappointed look and nodded, beginning upstairs again. Once he was gone, Michael pushed himself up and walked quietly to the bathroom. He closed the door and took off his hoodie for a moment. With nothing underneath, he was forced to look at his female features, and slowly bit his lip. Yeah, he felt really dysphoric. He hadn’t been binding, nor was he packing like he normally would, so that only aided in making him feel bad. After a moment, though, he pulled the hoodie back on and moved back to his spot on the ground where he had been laying.  
  
Jeremy could only worry about Michael. He liked the other boy in a way more than friendship (but was completely oblivious to it) and just wanted the best for him, but when Michael wouldn’t talk he wouldn’t ever push him. All he could hope was that Michael was okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a mess whoops sorry  
> thats all

Michael gave a soft breath as he snoozed his alarm. It was Monday, and he was skipping school, but his moms didn’t know yet. He pushed himself up slightly in bed, blinking. Round chest, and nothing down below. Damn. Still female. He stood slowly, stretching before moving to clothe himself. Binder, packer, hoodie, jeans, socks, and shoes made up his outfit. He paused, though, before moving to grab some bracelets to slip on his wrists. He slowly moved downstairs, not bothering with breakfast. His mom was out on business, and his mama had already left for work, so he just needed to go somewhere for the day. He grabbed his headphones from where they were charging on the counter, before realizing he had to eat breakfast so he could take his meds. He took them, ate a bowl of cereal, and began out the door for real this time, closing his eyes as he slipped into his car.

~

“Micah! Open up!” Jeremy yelled, knocking again on the Mell’s residence door. After a minute or two, Michael did so, pulling the door open. He had gone back home fairly quickly, changed, and took a nap. He had just woken up, so he was still a little disoriented.  
“Hey, Jeremy. Sorry, c’mon in.” He gestured the other inside, yawning softly. Jeremy did so, stepping inside and slipping his bag off his shoulder.  
“Dude, you missed so much at school. It was nuts.” Jeremy said, pulling Michael’s homework out of his bag. “There was a chick fight at lunch, a surprise assembly, and like, three people got sent to the office in math.” He said, handing Michael the homework and watching as Michael set it on the kitchen counter.  
“Are you shitting me or did that all seriously happen?”  
“It seriously happened.” Jeremy replied, pushing his hands into his cardigan pockets. “Oh! And I almost talked to Christine today!”  
“Almost?” Michael almost winced at the mention of Christine. He had a crush on Jeremy (he had realized it a while ago, but chose to never say anything) and every time Jeremy talked about her his stomach dropped. He gave a soft sigh as Jeremy whined.

 

“Almost. I couldn’t do it.” He murmured. Jeremy moved to sit on the kitchen counter, humming.  
“Damn. I believed in you, too.” Michael turned, grinning slightly. He punched his shoulder as he moved to grab a chair, pulling it over and plopping down. Jeremy stuck his tongue out at him, sighing.  
“Thanks, Micah. I thought I could trust you.” Jeremy whined, curling up slightly. Michael just laughed, sticking his tongue out at the other in return.  
“Welcome. Oh, hey, wanna stay over again tonight?” He offered, and Jeremy shook his head.  
“Nah, man. I got a ton of homework.” He sighed, and Michael hesitated before forcing himself to smile.

“Oh. Okay. Sorry. You should go then, I guess.” Michael muttered, pushing himself up and putting the chair back at the table. Jeremy nodded, standing from the counter.  
“Okay.” He murmured, moving toward the door. “Will you go to school tomorrow?”  
“Maybe.” Michael shrugged, following behind him quietly.  
“Mmh. Alright. I’ll see you then?”   
“Maybe.”

~

Years passed, and junior year rolled along. Jeremy took a Squip and stopped talking to Michael. Michael hated every moment of it. When he found out about the Halloween party Jake was hosting, he knew Jeremy would be going. So he decided to go too.

~

“It’s just… it’s great to see you again, man.” Jeremy looked tired. Michael felt the same. He glared softly at the other boy before shifting in the empty bathtub.   
“Yeah?” He asked. “Well, it’s not great to see you. You know, I had this whole pissed off monologue. But why waste it on you?” He spat, and Jeremy flinched.  
“I…” He hesitated, and Michael could only push out a weak laugh.  
“What?” He asked, pushing himself up and out of the bathtub. “Squip got your tongue?”  
“Dude… what the hell’s up with you?” Jeremy asked, eyebrows furrowing. “I thought my best friend would be a little more supportive about me finally becoming cool.” He almost seemed hurt, but Michael wanted to make it hurt more.  
“Maybe I’d be a little more cool about it if you hadn’t abandoned me in the process! You should really just get rid of that thing!” He spat, hands trembling at his sides. He’d balled them into fists now. This seemed to catch Jeremy’s attention, though, as he hesitated.  
“What the hell do you mean, get rid of it? Why would I ever wanna do that?” Jeremy asked. Michael gave a low noise, sighing.  
“So, I have this buddy that I play Warcraft with, right? Well, he’s got a brother and his brother’s terrible in school. Well, one day he comes back with his report card and he’s acing every single subject he’s in and almost all his teachers think he should be moved to honors classes. He does, and makes it to Yale. You know where he is now?”  
“... Very rich and successful?”  
“He’s in an insane asylum, Jeremy. Don’t you get it?”  
“Well, the Squip didn’t make him crazy, right?”  
“No, he went crazy trying to get it out.”

There’s a long beat of silence, Michael’s hands still trembling along with the rest of him. He heaved little breaths, on the verge of tears, while Jeremy just looked back at him with a slightly confused expression on his face.  
“I don’t have a problem, then.” Jeremy replied, moving toward the door now. Michael hurried to block the door quietly, all the while glaring quietly at his best friend. “Michael, move.”  
“No.” He retorted, looking straight in his eyes. Jeremy didn’t hesitate saying his next phrase.  
“Get out of my way, loser.” He spat the words out in Michael’s face, and pushed past him in his moment of shock. Michael’s left standing quietly in place as the door is shut behind him. He moved slowly over to the closed toilet, taking a seat down on the lid. He’s not sure how much time passes until he hears a voice outside. Jenna Rolan, he knows her anywhere.  
“Hurry up in there! Some of us have to pee, you know!” She whined at him, voice slurred. Michael fumbled for an excuse.  
“I’m having my period!” He cried, voice breaking. There’s a beat, until Jenna knocked gently on the door as some kind of friendly comfort.  
“Take your time, sweetie!” She told him, and then there’s footsteps and Michael’s left alone with tears sparking in his eyes.

~

There was a fire that night. He’d learn about it while still in the bathroom when smoke started to pour in through the cracks in the door and he was forced to try and escape through a window. His parents would learn about it less than an hour later, as he stumbled in through the door with his hand bandaged up from a burn he had gotten and tears still streaming down his face. They would comfort him, his mom pulling him onto her lap like old times and his mama wrapping her arms around her son and wife as his mom swayed the group, whispering comforts in her native tongue, before sending him to shower and go to sleep. He wouldn’t sleep that night, images of the fire flickering over his walls as images of smoke poured up to his ceiling until he’d be enveloped in it all over again. He wouldn’t go to school until Wednesday that week, where rumor of the fire spread and became a monster from some old horror movie.

The announcements broadcasted messages telling the student body to leave flowers at both Rich and Jake’s lockers, and to wish the drama club good luck on their oncoming play. Michael wore his headphones all through announcements, not wanting to hear anything that reminded him of the Halloween party. He trudged through hallways slowly, sometimes aimlessly walking around and accidentally skipping classes depending on where his body took him. He never listened to what his mind had to say, drowning himself in music by Bob Marley and spending his money on the ridiculously large slushie cups he could get at 7/11. He slept more often than he didn’t, curling up anywhere he could and sleeping. He was always tired. He was tired of being tired. He just wanted Jeremy back.

~

He got Jeremy back eventually, after the hazy week leading up to the school play where he managed to save the entire town from being Squipped. The tiredness lingered, though. It drowned him and caused him to wait a whole three days before finally going to the hospital to see Jeremy. He and Rich spoke often, usually just Rich speaking to Michael while he sat at Jeremy’s side with his slushie in hand and his hoodie on. When Jeremy woke up, Michael couldn’t help the initial feeling of anger. Why did he come back? He should have just stayed at home. The two talked idly for a while, mostly with Michael listening and Jeremy apologizing over and over until Michael told him to stop. He didn’t go to the hospital the next day to help Mr. Heere with getting him home. He didn’t go to school, either. He just stayed in bed, complaining about feeling like he was going to throw up. He slept most of the day, only waking up to go take his medicine and eat. He woke up early the next morning, the fire dancing over his retinas as he got up despite the fact it was only three in the morning. He showered, brushed his hair, brushed his teeth, contoured his face to make it more angular unlike he had in the last few days, dressed, and left. 7/11 wouldn’t open for a few more hours. That was fine, though. He didn’t want a slushie today. He drove to the local park, climbed the fence to keep drunk kids from going there at midnight, and moved to sit at the very top of the play structure.

When the cold wind moved through his hair and made a shiver run through his spine, he gave a soft breath. He spent the next few hours reminding himself of his childhood by climbing the monkey bars, going down the slides, and swinging on the swingset. It calmed him, and eased his heavy heart. Eventually it hit five, and he began to his car. He walked slowly, watching dog walkers, joggers, and more. He waved at them, sliding into his car after the short walk and giving a soft breath. He pulled on his headphones, not wanting to bother with the radio, and started his music up on his phone. He still had a few hours to get to school, so he decided to just drive. He took his car to the very edge of town, where city melted into city. It was only 5:30 now, and Michael couldn’t help but be disappointed at the short drive. He gave a breath, climbing out of his car and moving to sit on the hood, with his back resting against the cool glass window. It bit through his hoodie and shirt, causing little bumps to raise on his arms. He closed his eyes, letting his head fall back as well. It hurt just a bit as his head hit the window, but not enough for him to complain about it. He set his phone on his thigh, crossing his arms comfortably over his chest. His binder was getting too small, now, he decided. He didn’t mind, though, it made his chest flatter and he enjoyed that, even though it restricted his breathing more. He opened his eyes for just a moment, staring up at the dark sky. The sun was starting to peek over the horizon, only just beginning to paint streaks of red into the sky. He closed his eyes again, relaxing into the car.

~

When he woke, he was only faintly aware of the fact he was still on the hood of his car. He gave a soft breath, eyes taking a moment to focus on the slowly brightening sky. He lifted his phone from his thigh, checking the time. 7:04, his phone told him. He moved off of his car, moving to climb inside. He had promised Mr. Heere that he’d drive Jeremy to school on his first day back, and he couldn’t tell the man no, so he began the drive back into town to the Heere residence. Once he got there, a good thirty minutes later, he pulled his phone back out to text the other younger boy. His phone mocked him just for a moment, reminding him of the time where Jeremy wouldn’t respond to his messages. He pushed the feeling aside as he drafted his text.

[mike, 7:38 ; Hey jer u almost ready to go?] Became his message after a few drafts. He sent it, and waited for a reply.

[jeremy, 7:39 ; Oh, yeah, gimme a sec to tell my dad bye]

[mike, 7:39 ; Ok]

He pushed down the anxiety, taking his headphones off and connecting his phone to the bluetooth radio he had installed in his car at his last birthday. He rubbed his chest for just a moment, taking in a shaky breath. Boy, his chest told him. Boy, he thought back.

~

Michael hesitated when Jeremy climbed into the car. Jeremy offered the other boy a soft smile as he pulled on the seatbelt, but the worry in his chest was clear.  
“Hey, Michael.” He said, adjusting in his seat.  
“Hey.” Michael echoed, voice soft. He decided not to speak unless spoken to, pulling out of the driveway. The ride was mostly in silence, Michael tearing the skin off his lip anxiously as Jeremy fiddled with his cardigan’s sleeves. Just a minute or so away from the school, Jeremy spoke up.  
“I’m sorry, Michael. Can we maybe hang out after school and talk about stuff?” He asked, looking at Michael until the other male looked up. Michael gave a soft breath, and was about to start talking until Jeremy did so. “I mean, um, we don’t have to or anything! I just, uh, I wanted to kinda, uh… talk things through? I guess?” He spoke quickly, voice clearly scared. “Sorry.”  
“‘S okay…” Michael mumbled, turning his attention back to the road. “... Yeah. We can.” He mumbled, and he could almost see the relief melting off of the other. “Can we just act like everything’s normal for today at school at least, though?”  
“Yeah! Of course! I mean, um, yeah.” Jeremy nodded, and silence washed over the two again. Of course, they both had very different views on silence, Michael hating it and Jeremy thankful for it in most situations. When they pulled into Michael’s spot, Michael was the one to try and leave quickly, anxiety levels high. He hadn’t taken his medicine after all, which was always a bad thing, but he hadn’t taken it into consideration that morning. Jeremy stopped him, though, with a gentle hand on his elbow. Michael flinched slightly, and Jeremy took his hand back.

“Uh, I’ll see you at lunch, right? Sorry, it’s fine if you don’t wanna because I can just-”  
“Yeah. I’ll see you.” He nodded softly, offering Jeremy a little smile. He finished getting out of the car, and Jeremy followed. Michael’s bag still had the ‘riends’ of Rich’s joke, as well as the ‘homo’ of his torment when Jeremy was squipped. Jeremy’s bag was clean, though, with not even the slightest bit of hint toward their old ‘boyf’ ‘riends’ deal. Michael couldn’t help but be upset about it. He was still crushing hard on Jeremy, pining silently behind his back. He chewed his lip as he started inside, pulling his headphones on and his hood up over them.

~

Michael climbed back into his car once the day ended, not waiting for Jeremy like he used to. He closed his eyes, leaning back in his seat and rubbing his chest again. It was a comfort to him, a reminder of his upcoming top surgery that he had scheduled for during the summer. When the door opened next to him, he dropped his hand and blinked his eyes open.  
“Hi, Jer.” Michael mumbled. “Your house or mine?”  
“Uh, your house is fine. Sorry.” Jeremy was fiddling, something Michael always noticed quickly. He reached into the middle consol, grabbing out a little cube and gently tossing it to his (ex-?) best friend. Jeremy gave a thankful noise, starting to mess with it as Michael pulled out of his spot and started home. The ride was mostly silent, apart from Michael humming softly to himself. Once they reached his house, he pulled his keys from the ignition and unbuckled his seat belt, watching Jeremy put the little cube back and unbuckle himself. They both pushed open their doors, Michael leading the way inside as he flipped to his house key.  
“Sorry, it’s kinda a mess.” He mumbled, pushing the door open.  
“That’s okay.” Jeremy mumbled back, following Michael inside and toeing his shoes off like normal. He shrugged off his coat, hanging it up on his normal hook, and watched as Michael did the same. Michael gestured the other to follow, starting toward the basement. Jeremy did such quietly, biting at his lip. It wasn’t long before they were downstairs in their respective bean bags, Michael looking down at the ground and Jeremy looking around the basement before looking at Michael. “Look, Michael, I’m really really sorry.”  
“Stop. Can we just skip the sorries and get to the point? It just makes me more anxious.” Michael found his voice to be sharp, which was odd, but Jeremy nodded.

“Y-yeah. Well, like, I didn’t mean to do a lot of what I did. I hope you know that. The Squip did the blocking shit and it pressured me to do a lot of stuff too.” Jeremy started, still biting his lip. “But, the bathroom was all my fault. I was terrible and I’m so sorry about that. Wait, shit you said not to say sorry…”  
“It’s fine. Why did you do it, though? Why did you say that stuff?” Michael could feel the angry upset aura melting into a worried and sad upset aura.  
“I… I don’t know. I was just having a really rough night, and I know that’s no excuse to take it out on you, Michael. I just…” Jeremy sighed, letting himself fall back more into the beanbag. “I hate myself so much for being so terrible to you…”  
“It’s…” Michael hesitated, watching the other boy. “I get it. It just… it’s not okay yet, and we have to accept that. I have to work on accepting your apology, and that’s it. That’s just how it is.” He gave a soft breath. “You know how there was a fire that night?”  
“Yeah, everyone in school does.”  
“Well, long story short I was stuck in it. I was lucky enough to have locked myself in the bathroom. I had to get out through the window. And I had to tell my parents why I was out so late at the party, why the house I was at was on the news, and why I was limping. It was terrible, Jeremy, absolutely terrible. You better be thankful you weren’t stuck in that like me.” Michael felt tears sparking behind his eyes, and hurriedly covered them with his sleeve. He pushed them out of his eyes, giving a little noise. Jeremy was scooting closer now, recognizing Michael’s actions to hide his tears. “A-and, you wanna know the cruel truth of it all? I can’t be mad at you. No matter how hard I try to, I just c-can’t. I should be mad, I s-should hate you for w-what you did…” Michael was crying now, leaning into Jeremy out of pure instinct as the taller boy wrapped an arm around his shoulders. It was completely platonic, he knew, but he hated it. “A-and y-you know why I c-can’t be m-mad at you? ‘S ‘c-cause I love you. A-as more than a f-friend… A-and it’s so hard, Jeremy…” He had shifted to hide his face in Jeremy’s shoulder now, body beginning to wrack with his sobs.

“Hey, hey, breathe…” Jeremy murmured, lifting a hand to card gently through Michael’s hair in that way he knew the smaller felt comforting. They sat like that for a while, Jeremy gently holding the other and carding gently through his hair. Once Michael’s sobs lessened into sniffles, Jeremy gave a soft breath. “I love you too, Michael.” He murmured, voice soft. Michael pulled back in surprise, before quickly hiding his face away once more. Okay, that was nice. Jeremy slowly found himself pulling Michael onto his lap, and Michael didn’t protest. They sat like that for a while more, before Michael let himself sit up and look at the other boy.   
“Are you s-sayin’ that to m-make me f-feel better, or d-do you mean it?” He asked, a slight fear in his eyes. Jeremy smiled softly, gently cupping the other’s cheek.  
“I mean it. A million times, Michael, I love you.”

And for the first time in months, Michael felt right.


End file.
